when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
