38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You ruined the universe
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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