Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
