My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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