jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
