Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
