i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
