kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
