I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
its liver damage thursday
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
