there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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