the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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