Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
