found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
