I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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