dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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