Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
