Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
