a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
