Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
