When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize