He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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