I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
