Betty ford says i'm here all night
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
