Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
