My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
