i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
