there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
