do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
