Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
