Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
