tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
