For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
