I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
