I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
