I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
