So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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