Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
