We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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