I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
