dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I party with great urgency now.
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