trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
