I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
