so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
