I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
