i don't like sucking hair
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
