No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
