I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
