this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
