and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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