Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
