I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
