Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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