you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
