I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
