I just pynch a tree in the face
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
