hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize