after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
