He asked to "fluff my boner.."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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