So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
